My Thoughts about Banished

Opening a book to read is like swinging a door open. Each book I read leads me to a room where the author creates a certain environment by stringing words together. Some rooms, I like to stay a while and then leave. Some rooms I kept visiting. Some rooms, I decided, I’d never enter again. And then, there are rooms in my shelf that are still waiting to be opened. 

When I got my hands on Banished, I knew the kind of room I was getting into before I even started reading it. Pastor Joshua has a way of making me uncomfortable when reading his work. Somehow, as in the books he wrote in the past, he makes me rethink my life and my witness. Halfway into banished, he did not disappoint. I was right.

In Banished, Pastor Joshua takes us back to the events surrounding the birth of Jesus and helps us look at it with the lens of the present time. In my opinion, the west has sanitized our image of Christmas that it is almost easy to overlook how scandalous the circumstances were, just as disgusting as the stories we have in the present day. He then seamlessly brings us to look at Jesus’ life and teachings in contrast to how we, the church, live it today. Are we "walking the talk" of the sermon on the mount? To answer, read the book. 

As a student of the Bible, Banished sparked an excitement in me as I savored the author’s own take of the scriptures, the snippets of history he dashed here and there, the laborious research he put into his work --- it was compelling! 

As a Christian involved in ministry, he rattled my convenient way of ministering. Suddenly, I am thrown into a puddle of information, opening my eyes even more keenly on the plight of the OFW, the struggles of those in the margins, and  the unbridgeable gap between the Lazaruses and the Rich Men of today’s world. In one of those pages, I came to the realization that many of the theories we teach in missions, in the Bible Schools, or those we even observe from ministers ahead of us in the field, are no longer applicable in the age we live in. Many of our strategies are coated with agenda.  Pastor Joshua writes “Authenticity and integrity are the key to transformative evangelism and discipleship.”  He talks extensively of humility as an integral virtue in the ministry --- something many, I observed, have dispensed of in exchange of militant, aggressive, number-driven Christianity.

As an adult finding my place in the world, a new sense of adventure  was planted in me in the last few chapters of Banished. The author talks about living our witness in public spaces, understanding first the perception of those outside the Christian tradition. We often fault ourselves in gagging those outside the ‘faith’ with Bible verses and doomsday revelations, instead of listening to them – finding out where they’re at, and taking them along in the journey of knowing Jesus.

Pastor Joshua concluded the last chapter with a voice of hope. I closed the book, my thoughts still easing through the discomfort of knowing that my actions as a Christ-follower have not always been in congruence with my talk. I am plagued with questions.  I just left a room that made me uncomfortable. But, like many who met Jesus – along dusty roads and polished palaces, in sinking boats and atop feeble tree branches --- discomfort is the way to discovering the truth; to live in perpetual discomfort of the mind, the heart and the body, until you come to the resolve that Jesus is truly, truly, the only One that satisfies them all.

Get the book. Get into that room. Get uncomfortable.

Book is available through Central Logos https://www.facebook.com/centralogosofficial . 

Trusting God with Our Stories

"I could live life alone

And never fill the longings of my heart

The healing warmth of someone's arms

And I could live without dreams

And never know the thrill of what could be

With every star so far and out of reach

I could live without many things

And I could carry on..." --- Avalon

This is how my life song starts. I embraced it as I entered the last decade. I was at a place of uncertainty, but with an overarching excitement at what God was going to do in my life. I had just committed my life to full-time ministry, specifically to be a cross-cultural missionary, and while the future was unsure, I was confident that it was what God was telling me to do. 

Fast forward to the end of the decade, it was not exactly what I thought life would be for me. God, the Grandweaver of my life, had a different design in mind. I thought a recap was in order. However, once I started writing these 'events' in my life one by one, they seemed to be separate from the other. At times, the things God made me do were completely at other ends of the pendulum. So I decided, maybe I would just write about where I am at now as we enter a new decade in my journey. 

2020

Here I am, in the cool of the evening, just a little past midnight, typing this post with ink stains on my fingers from writing case digests with cheap fountain pens. Sprawling on my bed are books, notes and more pens. I study in the evenings. 

During the day, I cross a bridge to the place where I sit on a desk, respond to emails, queries, print documents, answer the phone and basically do the rigodon of a secretary. On special days, I am the registrar. I call myself the #EverydayMamumugon. 

On weekends I pack my bags and head back to my hometown beside the sea, lounge in my mother's living room, get coffee, go to church, and blink. And then, it is Monday again. 

But, I don't ever remember telling myself  "Hay, Monday na naman!".  And you will see why. 

The way I describe it, it seems like my life is pretty uninteresting --- a contrast to what I had imagined it to be in 2010. But truth is, for countless times, I have caught myself at a loss for words at how God had tweaked my story.

I have been to places I have never imagined I could be in. I haven't set foot in West Africa yet, but...but..this decade, we will never know. 

I have been on stages and pulpits I feel so unworthy of. I sometimes laugh at how God takes me from a classroom of  seven sleepy students to a hall of a thousand (or even more) young people packed with adrenaline. Whether it be the classroom or the auditorium, I see lives hungry for God. 

I have been to hills of victory and valleys of pain. I tried fighting wounded. It only revealed to me that God's character never changes. For every win - a milestone. For every pain - a growth point. 

I have been to committee meetings and coffee breaks where I met people who, I would have never met had I not allowed God to let me be  like water in his plans --- flowing to where He cuts a path. The coffee chats are more enjoyable. Memorable, even. 

I have been to classrooms and bar rooms. They're all the same --- filled with drunk men, intoxicated by intellect, who throw statements that don't make sense. But, the teachers and the bar tenders -- they... they can spin good in every tragedy. 

I have been to chaos where demands grab you by the hand. But, in the midst of those were springs of joy where God invited me to freely drink. 

I have been to a place called Love. One that gives selflessly for the sake of another. One that is not held captive by feelings but liberated by truth. Truth most times is hard to swallow. But, that is how you know you have been to a place called Love. I have been to one. 

I have been to a place called Surrender. And it did not feel comforting. But oh the taste of liberty, refreshing to the soul!

 I tried writing the things God has been surprising me with. Each of them outdoes the other. I mean, does God ever run out of ideas? My stomach is churning with excitement at the possibilities of the outrageous things I ask the Lord to do. This decade will definitely outdo the last. 

In all my wanting and believing for the big things God will do, my heart still quietly sings to me the  part of my lifesong that says

"I couldn't face my life tomorrow 

Without your hope in my heart I know

I can't live a day without You

Lord, there's no night and there's no morning

Without Your loving arms to hold me

You're the heartbeat of all I do

I can't live a day without You" ---Avalon

If all the things I hope for will vanish in the wind, Jesus is enough for me. Here's to another decade of trusting God for a beautiful story. 

 January 4, 2020
(I should do a post on why January 4 is significant to me through the years. hehehe! ) 

Helpless

I wonder what it is with September that I always get the urge to write. Like a buzzer, or a vibrating alert, I often find myself checking my blogs in September and panic at the fact that for the months that went by, I have been silent.

I have not been truly silent, of course. I have rekindled my love for journalling. Not like it really went away. My entries have been frequent. I felt that my thoughts are safer there and free of any judgement. 

An opportunity to speak to the community at CPU came to me again, giving me an avenue to declare the encompassing love of God to all. Last month was quite eventful. I anticipate the coming month to be even more eventful with the semestral examinations in Law school, weddings to attend and the ending of another semester here in the Bible College. While the weight of what is to come seems already heavy to think about, I rest in the promise that God will help me overcome. I have to rest, lest I cower. 

On a more personal note, the past couple of months have been quite interesting. I went through (and I think I still am in ) a season of undoing. I met a few people that put me in a very uncomfortable situation. The good kind of uncomfortable, that is. 

While I would like to reserve the details to myself, this is what I am willing to share: In the many years that I am a Christian, there have been milestones where I mark a certain growth point. Usually, it was via a heartbreaking situation. However, this one was not. I was just caught off guard, like God grabbed me by the hand and said "We need to talk!" One night, I found myself crying before the Lord because he impressed upon my heart that I have not been trusting Him about many things in my life --- especially the matters which are important to me. 

I felt I was being un-clothed. I was very vulnerable. I felt naked before God. And I saw how, all these years, I have been grinding on my own... as if I can handle things naturally. I realized I held tightly to my pride, that I do not intentionally ask the Lord for the things I desire because I do not like the feeling of wanting somethign or someone so much. I have life a linear life when it comes to asking God. My thought pattern was this: I want 'this', If God wants it for me, he will give it. If not, I will not bother. 

But how in the world do I experience the Joy of Asking and actually receiving? I have not. Because I asked not. Asking, like begging, is a sign that one is in lack of something. I never liked the thought of asking, much less begging. 

And that is how I found out my faith was problematic. Because I wanted something/someone and under the 'normal' circumstances I operate in, there is no way, NO WAY, I will ever experience the joy of having that desire satisfied. And upon realizing my complete helplessness, I turned to God.

However, it was not the 'wanting' that churned my spirit. It was the discomfort that I do not truly know God and therefore have not truly trusted Him with even the little details of my life. It was devastating to watch everything 'i have built' in my spiritual life deconstruct, like chaff, they disappeared. I had nothing to hold on to. No spiritual life to be proud of. 

And at the point of surrender, I crumbled. 

Oh what relief it is to be rid of yourself, be broken down and wait... wait for the Master to pick you up, piece by piece, to be put together in the way He had always had in mind about you. 

Walking on Water (#TheLAWngRoad)

For  Peter to go to where Jesus was, he had to get out of the boat and literally step on the water. He had to stand ON the water to be able to walk on it.*

I have studied and preached on this story of Peter several times already. Each time, a new understanding of faith is unfolded and a deeper knowledge of God is gained.

Stepping out in faith is one of my favourite topics. But not until last year did I realize that I just tested it in calculated proportions. And so, I took a leap out of the boat.

Last year, I was convinced by my friend to take Law classes. This idea had been hovering me for quite sometime already, about eight years in counting. What was stopping me was my financial incapacity, my ministry and my feeling of inadequacy when it comes to the academic demands of the course.

So I brewed the idea in prayer for a year.

I have also known that things don’t just ‘fall into place’. For the Israelites to be able to live in the promised land, they had to keep moving in obedience until they get to the place God prepared for them.

My leap of faith started when I registered to take the PhilSat. It is the national Law School admission exam. From there, God confirmed that this was the way to go when He helped me pass the exam.

Tuition fees are another story. I get a decent salary as a staff of the Bible School but it is clearly not sufficient to send me to school. So, for the past year that I was praying about it, I starting calculating how much I would save each month to set aside for the tuition fees. I also mentally noted down the areas of my spending that I need to cut down, including food, so I can come up with the amount needed to pay for my education.

I took another exam in the university and an interview with the dean before I was accepted in the School of Law. There was no doubt this was God’s plan for me this season of my life. I am entering my seventh year in the ministry and somehow I already mastered, to a certain degree, the routines of the ‘job’. My position as college registrar and our challenges in implementing the Disciplinary sanctions most times need an understanding of the laws of the land. I took this leap, far from my comfort zone, because I have the convinction that God is leading me through this path, in this season. 

On the first day of class, I was floored by how God IS God! I found out that I was granted a scholarship that will cover 75% of my tuition fee. I did not apply for it. I did not even know there was a scholarship grant for Law students. It turned out I ranked 2nd of all the applicants and they give grants to the top 3 of Law school applicants. I cried happy tears. 

I borrowed books. My work schedule is lighter that it was years ago. Another friend was used by God for more provisions. My family helped me set up my living arrangements. One after the other, God confirms that he wants me to walk on this water with Him. 

I happened to talk to different people on separate occasions sharing with me their dreams and plans. I smiled at them and, with more conviction than ever, told them "Step out in faith". 

Yes, calculations and preparations must be made. But, it is that act of faith of taking the first step toward a legitimate dream,  goal,  plan that will introduce you to another chapter of God's grace. 

Peter stepped out of the boat, took a few wobbly steps on the water, sank at the sight of wind and was lifted out of it by the hands of the Master crafter of waves and winds. We will have our own stories of 'walking in faith'. But, none of us will ever feel like what it is to step on water like glass. 

When Jesus calls you to walk with Him on the water, step out of the boat. Yours will be quite a story. 

I'm still tiptoeing. Nevertheless, I am already on the water. 

*Matthew 14:22-33

New Year Emote-icons

My FIRST bathroom selfie (i think) because, why not?!!! Have a  Blessed Year ahead! - Jabez

"2018, please be good to me". Such pleadings are pasted on thousands of Facebook walls the moment the clock struck 12 on January first. They should have made a specific emoticon for New Year Apprehensions.

I have always loved the idea of celebrating the New Year. It is a significant period when we are stopped on our tracks to look back and look forward. Somehow, whether we like it or not, the turning of the year gives us a momentary halt.  To some, it is a chance to evaluate what went wrong, what worked out right. To most, it is a time to draw the line between what was then and what will be. But to many, it is a chance to do things over, better. A reset.

However, life does not always get solved by a reset. Most times, it needs a lot of undoing, untangling and most painfully, deconstructing.

And this the part where the New Year makes me uncomfortable. When the fireworks have turned to ashes, and the feasting have been replaced by acid reflux, you sit in one corner, confronted by the realities that make you uneasy. 

How do you manage your way around work, laundry and a social life without getting broke?

How do you speak your mind, your ideas, your convictions and not have second thoughts about being hated?

How do you submit to your superiors and stand your ground?

How do you hold fast to the laws you keep and let grace trickle from your grip?

How do you start to pursue a goal you have long believed was too high for your reach?

How do you begin to plan for retirement when you are only a few years away from it?

How do you sustain the momentum for things you have started when your body tells you to slow down?
How do you inspire others when you are wrestling with your own idealism?
How do you draw the line between "waiting" and "working on it"?

These and a thousand other questions. Oh, I hate how acid reflux impales me sometimes!

And then, you run through your IG Best Nine and experience a pocket of sunshine. For a moment, you smile at the thought of these nine photos you immortalized in this intangible wall called social media. 2017 was not that bad.

You picked up a healthy habit. Lost 20 lbs and your appetite for Unli-rice.

You met new people and wonder where they have been hiding all these years.

You ventured to learning new skills and polishing the old ones and felt fulfilled.
You have failed at some attempts but your spirit keeps going.

You mastered the art of rest. And saying no.

You have finally come to terms with your weaknesses and let yourself be soaked in God’s grace to overcome them.
You keep noticing how your well of joy never dries up despite seasons of drought.

You have tested the limits of your love…and found yourself unbreakable. Malleable.
You love, yet again, though bent.

Just nine out of the hundreds of moments of joy, of hope, of faith.

It is easy to be distracted by questions and weakened by our fears. There are 365 days ahead of us, not one of which is certain and that is overwhelmingly scary. But, through the years I have learned the art of restedness ---- an act of actively resting in God, His promises and His sovereignty.

The New Year is not necessarily a reset. It is a time to recalibrate our hearts, retool our minds and resume with the original plan God has already set for us. Not without adjustments.

Paul instructs in Ephesians 4:22-24  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. This exercise of “Putting off” and “Putting on” is tiresome, challenging and definitely not easy. But only when we are no longer entangled in the pursuits of our flesh will we be able to experience the true joy of a life lived in freedom through Christ.

Our weaknesses will only magnify. Our questions will continue to haunt us. Our challenges will continue to mount (laundry, included!). But when we are standing behind the One who has ‘overcome the world’, we can walk into 2018 smiling. There's already and emoticon for that!

A Little Light

We do not undermine the value of a little light when the night is at its darkest. 

And at a time like this in my life, I trace my way back to that little light that kept me alive ten years ago when my heart was broken. Sometimes, you can smell heartbreaks from afar. Other times, they make themselves felt like a mini-earthquake underneath, not damaging but definitely alarming. But most times, they come unexpected. And unwanted. 

And so did mine. 

My convictions and peace crumbled before me like a wafer in a child’s hand. I am out of strength and slowly losing words. They say when you have a problem, all you need to do is to go out and stand under the night sky and you’d realize how small your problems are compared to the vastness of space and how few compared to the multitude of stars. I tried. But I could not even gather the strength to open my eyes. 

So this piece is my attempt to crawl out of this heartbreak. Eyes still closed, heart still bruised. Even with my troubled vision I can see a flicker of light at the end. I am not so sure except that it looks like the same light that lead me out of darkness ten years ago. Light in all forms look the same. And so I hope that this one too would lead me home. One more time.

Light, no matter how little is still light and darkness still gives way to it.

John 1: 4-5 " In him was life,and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

Tiptoeing ( A New Year Post)

SOURCE

The sun shines like it is new. It seems energetic, like it is giving out warmth for the first time. It is only the 3rd day of 2017 and I am still tiptoeing into the new year, fearful I might trip. 

I am here in my office desk, writing this as I wait for the lunch break. I have so much to look forward to this year. However, I am still somewhat hinged to 2016 that I don’t know where to start. Thus, the tiptoeing.

A very good friend asked me what were my highlights for 2016. I paused for a few seconds to recall. Somehow, qualifying events as ‘highlights’ was a little difficult. I knew exactly why. The past year, I was beat up with work concerns that I hardly had time to pause and thank God for what was happening in my life. Yesterday, I took out my annual prayer notebook and wrote down my thanksgiving for the year. Today, I’m sharing some of them with you.

Highlights of 2016 (Best Twelve)

1. Attending the Global Discipleship Congress 2016 in Manila and hearing Ravi Zacharias speak again. It was a time of refreshing and realigning to God’s purpose in my life.

2.Writing short poems for the whole month of February. Writing used to be a breeze but for the years that went by,  it was a struggle. Maybe for the lack of a muse. Or maybe for sheer laziness. But, for the month of February, I was able to write 14 poems. Exercise is the key. You can read them at A November Miracle.

3. Earning the Masters in Ministry degree. The highlight is not the degree but graduating with my father.

 4. Turning 35 and enjoying the last stretch of single-life. (Why not?) Hahahaha!

5. Training young people to be better leaders. This year, two of my friends and I started a Public Speaking company. We called it The Speaker Crafters. We trained young children not only to speak well but also to become better citizens of this country. 

6. Visiting our students during their Gospel Team deployment. It was an experience that is one for the books. I went to far-flung villages to find out the situation of our student-pastors who were on Summer Internship. I am not an outdoorsy person but the lot fell on me. I was joyful enough to take the challenge. It turned out to be exciting!

7. Making myself available to be God’s mouthpiece in many places and different occasions. God gave me opportunities to speak of His love to people of all ages, in churches, campuses, youth fellowships and even the Police force. I am humbled by this calling. 

8. Studying Introduction to Hebrew. I can now read a little and write a little Hebrew. 

9. Coordinating benefit concerts.  The latest was in December. It was a production that brought me out of my comfort zone. It was only by trusting God that we made it through. Not only am I ecstatic that I am working with world-class performers, I am awed at how they are all-out in serving God. 

10. Being with high school friends is always a yearly highlight. These are the people I grew up with and somehow, being with them makes me forget momentarily the troubles of adult life.

11.Spending time with family. We had spur of the moment reunions and they were all fun!!! 

12. Having a family that accepts me for everything that I am not and holds the hope for everything I can become. 

I started this piece by saying how I am tiptoeing into 2017. Now, having looked back, I can say, there is nothing to fear! God has been faithful and will always be faithful. 

I am reminded of what I read yesterday in Psalm 106. It was a recounting of how the Israelites turned away from God and how, each time, God came to their rescue. But, as the pattern repeats and the plot worsens, verse 44-45 say:

"Nevertheless, he looked upon their distress, when he heard their cry.
For their sake he remembered his covenant,
and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love."

I know now why the sun shines like it has not seen the troubles of 2016. It was created by a God whose love is persistent, endless,  unceasing. That fact alone steadies my wobbly feet.

Happy New Year! 

I Looked For the Living Among the Dead

“Where do I go to take a break?”

I heard myself ask this question a few times over for about three months now. I felt that I was in dire need of refreshing. No, I was not bent from work – just a little chipped maybe. Normal, I guess. I was not going through an emotional problem. I read my bible. I prayed. These were the things I told myself that were NOT the reasons why I needed to get away.

Or maybe, these were the reasons why I needed a break. Because everything was normal on the outside but inside, things were a little messy. We know the mess we keep inside. I ‘try’ to keep the office table tidy by dumping all the things inside the drawer. The table looks clean but the drawers are another story. This was how I felt these months.

I tried to read the Bible everyday for fear that if I don’t , I’d fall off completely. I walked the way of wisdom but during the day I find myself making some foolish decisions or spilling ungodly talk. It was terrifying to go to bed at night and realize how horrible I lived the day.

I marched through a ceremony, bowing my head not much as a sign of commitment but in shame for how unworthy I am to say yes to a task for the chosen. Me, chosen?

Most times, I felt God was a little far. No, not that He was. I FELT He was. It was a foreign feeling. I justified it by saying maybe this is how I should always feel so that I would always seek Him. I told myself maybe this is what they mean when they say have a “hunger for God”. But it wasn’t.

I figured, a personal retreat would cure it. A special time of meditation, a special revelation and a dramatic visitation would be the turning point for this.

Until this morning.

My unexcited self went to church (thanks to also being sick for days) unaware that what I was longing for will be answered. My pastor talked about Jesus being alive in our lives. She talked about how, in our daily living we say we believe Christ is alive but live as though He isn’t. It was the prelude to how God revealed to me the truth about everything I've been going through.

Then we sang “He Lives”. And all that has kept me chained came loose.

I serve a risen Saviour, He's in the world today;
I know that He is living, Whatever men may say;
I see His hand of mercy, I hear His voice of cheer,
And just the time I need Him He's always near.

Chorus:

He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today!
He walks with me and He talks with me Along life's narrow way.
He lives, He live, salvation to impart! You ask me how I know He lives:
He lives within my heart.

In all the world around me I see His loving care,
And tho my heart grows weary I never will despair;
I know that He is leading Thro' all the stormy blast,
The day of His appearing Will come at last.

Rejoice, rejoice, O Christian, Lift up your voice and sing
Eternal hallelujahs To Jesus Christ the King!
The hope of all who seek Him, The help of all who find,
None other is so loving, So good and kind.

I saw what was wrong with me. I did not remember that Jesus, this God I believe in, is living in me. So,I desperately looked for him elsewhere. I was like one of those women during the resurrection morning “looking for Jesus among the dead”.

I looked for him in the songs I sang. I looked for him in the feeling of accomplishment at having read my bible. I looked for him in my ritualistic service. I looked for Him in my theology. There, I fooled myself into believing that I can look for him. I. As if my eyes were clear enough to see Him.

But there He was, having not left at all, loving me through my pride, arrogance, my constant defeat against my flesh, my anger and my unforgiveness just to name the ‘majors’. Believe me, people who are in the 'ministry' have a longer list.

I forgot that He was walking with me “along the narrow way” as the song says. I always thought that this refers to some problem or devastation but today, I realized THIS IS MY NARROW WAY! And what comfort it is to know that I don’t have to keep walking to find Him. He’s here!

I forgot that He took the long and dusty road from heaven to earth to find me. Me, the lost one.
And all this time, I made myself believe it was I that should look for him. He's here!

I forgot that He bore to be forsaken by the Father so he can win over death. Win over any form of death anyone can imagine so we don't have to keep looking for him like sorrowful lovers. He's here!

I do not boast of a steady spiritual life  nor a strong one. But one thing I boast of is this, that the Christ I believe in has conquered death and lives every day to bring life to me.

I may need a break, but no longer to 'find' God. He's here!

Today is Easter. Indeed, my Easter!

Happy Resurrection Morning!

Grace-fully Yours

My High School best friend was married last Monday to his girlfriend of many years. It was something he had long planned for. It went beautifully, I gathered. Yes, I did not make it to the wedding. Long story.
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Source

There are things in our lives that pushes us to get out of our own puddles and walk on dry ground. "Get up and Grow up", I once wrote. Growing older must mean growing wiser. Imperative. It is an odd sight to see people who are well in years whine about irrational things like a two-year-old boy who was not allowed to fly a kite in the rain.

I do not say that I have never ever acted irrationally. I have. Many times, I have allowed feelings to make decisions for me. I ended up either apoligizing to the person I have hurt or lose them completely. It is terrible.

But what is worse is my tendency to be apathetic about a situation or toward a person for fear of making emotionally-driven decisions. I mistake apathy for rationality. And the results are equally terrible. I still lose people.

Adult life is tricky. You stature demands an equal level of maturity of which we lack most times. It is frustrating to deal with immature people. More frustrating when it is your own immaturity you are dealing with.

Lately, I watched a movie with my friend that we found unsatisfactory - the plot, the acting - everything! And I endlessly expressed my disgust about this movie to anyone I was in conversation with. A few days after, I prayed and asked God for one thing: that He would help me manage the intensity of my expressions of disgust about things and people. Mature people dont spill their comments anywhere where it is not needed.

So what is the middle ground for irrationality and apathy? Grace. Grace. Grace.

The other person's incompetence may irritate you, but you don't count it against him. He does not deserve another mile of your patience (because, hello! You have repeated the instruction a thousand times!) but you stretch it anyway. Grace.

You're at a restaurant and ordered the  food they can serve the fastest (15 mins) because you are famished. 20 mins goes by. You call for the waiter. He comes back and asks apologetically if you could wait for another 10 mins as your order was not forwarded to the kitchen.  You are now unbelievable HANGRY (hungry +angry). You position yourself to deliver your Customer Rights monologue but you stop you take out your phone instead and type out a status message on facebook that will obviously bash this establishment. But you delete it. You ask for another glass of water and just make a mental note to not go there again when you are hungry. Grace.

You're waiting for a phone call. He said he would call after this 2-hour meeting. By the time you turn-on your night light, your phone rings. And you pull out that mental drawer  where you kept the essay you composed in your mind as to how abandoned he makes you feel. Maybe this is not working for you. Maybe you are not meant to be together. But you quietly listen to how his day went and you lovingly tell him how frustrated you felt without putting the blame on his one-track male mind. You forget about your fiery essay. Grace.

Or he calls and you are determined to not talk to him again. Maybe ending it this way is better. No exchange of words. But you pick up the phone anyway and say hi. Grace.

It is not losing your cool over something nor it is losing interest over it.

Many times I find myself being completely out of reason. I do things I shouldn't. I hurt people I thought I couldn't. And oh, the scandals I make in the face of God! But, God has never lost  His composure in my presence. He has never banged the door on me. He has never let out an essay of how wicked, wretched, and beyond repair I am. Instead, he delivers sunshine at the doorstep everyday, inviting me to breakfast. Grace.

Truth is, God did lose his cool - in that workshop by the hill when he nailed his anger on the One who did not deserve it. Grace for me. Grace for you and me!

Grace is indicative of Maturity. There is a deeper truth to the term "Growing Old Gracefully". It is more than just embracing adulthood with a positive attitude. It is maximizing the moments of your life by not being weighed-down by the people who wear you out.

That's the kind of life you want right? Grace ushers you to live it. It is up to you to give it.


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I don't want to miss anymore weddings of the people I treasure most. I decide to let people enjoy the Grace I enjoy.

Back to Baking

No, I have not been on hiatus. I have been inconsistent in updating this blog.

I still desire to finish that #35weekslist blog. I will continue next week. Meanwhile, let me share my recent ‘pick-me-upper’: Baking!

Yes! Believe it or not, I know how to bake. Haha! I learned baking in High school. It was part of our Home Economics class and one could never graduate without learning how to bake a cake and decorate it. I still  have the index card recipes that our teacher told us to copy and keep.

Last summer, my cousin gave me her unused electric oven. Just in time, the mango season came and the overflow of mangoes perked up my creativity. So I made mango jams to preserve them and baked mango muffins and pie tarts just so we wont have to throw out overriped mangoes. That rekindled my love affair with baking. I discovered, it relaxes me and gives me a sense of satisfaction when I hit the bed at night feeling very tired from it. It is also a joy watching people eat the sweets.

Homemade Mango Jams

Mango and Chocolate Chip muffins

Chocolate Chip and Oatmeal Cookies

Carrot Cake. I am glad I tried baking it.
Carrot cake is my favorite cake :D

One of my favorite bible stories is that of the widow of Zarephath who fed Elijah during the time of famine.When Elijah came and asked if she could bake him some bread,  this is what she said:

“As surely as the Lord your God lives,” she replied, “I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.” 1 kings 17:12

But she did anyway. And we know what happened next. The flour never ran out and the oil kept on pouring.

I love this story not only because the story book showed a picture of a woman kneading flour to make bread, but also because it tells us of the joy and blessing of obedience. 

I count it a privilege to meet the need of a man of God. The rewards are endless.

A grocery list, a tough week and a sweet God

Its time to update the #35WeeksofLists again. This week is "Grocery List". 

This week was really tough. As a college registrar with no staff under me, this is one of my busiest weeks of the year. I was always asking for joy to never leave my side. The Lord has graciously provided what I needed. 

We graduated 20 students who are ready to serve as full-time pastors and church workers. While it is a joy to see them graduate, a certain pang of sadness fills my heart. I lived with these young people day in and out and one cannot evade the unhappy feeling of separation. And i have to deal with this scenario every year. 

I am looking forward to many good things in April - the celebration of the Holy week, my closest friends' wedding, and the family reunion in Manila. More than that, I am excited to turn 34! Some don't like the idea of getting old. I say there is so mcuh to look forward to when you have a God who grows sweeter everyday. 

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. How blessed is the person who trusts in Him." Psalm 34:8

I am doing the #35WeeksofList

I am resurrecting this blog by doing the #35WeeksofList that my friend Emmy is also doing on her site A Beautiful Life. My hands have been full lately (excuses, excuses!) but I thought this one should at least spark my writing energy.

So, here goes WEEK 1: Books Read the Past 2 Months

These books are not newly acquired except for the last one. 

1. David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell. Status: Unfinished. 

This is a book I gave my father last year. The joy about giving books as gifts is, it benefits the recipient and the giver. hahaha!

2. The Practice of Godliness, by Jerry Bridges. Status: Unfinished. 

I started reading this book in January, about five years after it was given to me as a birthday gift by my friend Jaja. 

3. The Jesus I Never Knew, by Philip Yancey. Status: Second Reading.

 I finished this years ago and I started rereading it last Christmas. This has to be one of my favorite books. 

4. Brothers, We are still Not Professionals, A compilation from Desiring God.org. Status: Unfinished. 

I downloaded this free e-book from Desiring God last month. I am halfway into the book and I find it a good read for ministers. There is one article though that I don't completely agree about - one which talks about why women should not be allowed in the pulpit. My disagreement does not stem on the fact that I am a woman. I just think that the Biblical basis the writer mentioned was taken out of context. That, or it was not extensively explained. 

Having written that, I am thankful for the ability to read, the eyes that has not failed me yet, and the love for reading that has grown in me since childhood. 

I am hoping this #35WeeksofList will not only compel me to write but will develop in me a habit of remembering God's faithfulness in my life. 

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 7:3

July is here!

I woke up today and the verse “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” has once again become real to me. I don’t live a perfect life and being in the flesh means I wake up with 100 % probability of failure. Yet, the Lord give that chance to me every single day.

Today, is the first day of July. Another month, another journey! A lot has happened the months since the last update in this blog. In April, I went to Thailand to visit some missionary friends who have been serving there for many years already. It was an experience that, while it threatened my life, it all the more fortified my courage to go to the ends of the earth for Christ. 

School has started again last month and I am looking forward to many things this Academic year. I started attending Master in Ministries classes and this has been my plan since. The Lord has granted me favor.

I lost my maternal Grandfather two weeks ago. The family is still mourning for is loss but holding on to the hope of that great reunion someday. Meanwhile, we enjoyed the reunion we had when everyone came home to celebrate his life. 

I pray for joy and strength as we continue the year. It is only by His grace that we are sustained. 

A Joy Made Double

The German Philosopher, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said, “A joy shared is a joy doubled”. Joy is never full until you share it with somebody. Anchoring on this principle we, the PNULHS Batch 1998 decided to make the Annual Alumni Homecoming truly a joyful celebration. 

Being the host for the 2013 reunion, we wanted everyone to have a great time. Our planning started 3 years before. We brainstormed on themes, activities, and ideas on how we were going to finance it. By December 2012, we came up with a theme that would be fun at the same time  meaningful to us: “NEONINETY8: Light Up the Night!” We prepared a video teaser for everyone to get excited for the reunion. Indeed, excitement took over!

A series of meetings started Batch 98’s year. We were getting ready to turn up the hype. By November, we would be covering the city with tarps and whatnots inviting every one for the reunion. The event planner we consulted already scheduled a site visit.

And then, Yolanda came. 

The tarps never got to the printers. The site visit never happened. Excitement was replaced with an overcoming desire to address the urgent: Hunger, homelessness and worst, hopelessness. 

Batch 98 pulled together the resources that were available. In cooperation with Bangon Cadiznon, whose founder by the way is Chris Ryan Montaño our classmate, we distributed food packs, old clothes, and even school supplies. We also helped our Alma Mater, PNU, by reconstructing the fence that was damaged by the typhoon. We took every opportunity to be of help. Each was trying to get help either from a friend or a company just to be able to fill a need that was pressing that time. We also rounded up other batches who gladly extended their help too. I wrote an article at Cadiz-city.com about one of our operations. Collectively, it was the PNULHS Alumni that was at work. And if I am not mistaken, it was the first time that we worked together representing the Alumni (which is up to now, not an institutionalized group). 

Charity is not new to our batch. By the grace of God, we have been reaching out to kids for the last 5 years. Every December, when we get pledges for the annual gathering, we make sure that a big portion of that goes to our Gift-giving activity. We give out toys, school supplies and let the kids enjoy a Christmas party. Every year, more than our fellowship, this is what most of us look forward to. 

In the aftermath of Yolanda, our impulse was to change plans. A high percentage of the city’s population was affected. There was no electricity for weeks. The whole country was mourning. Companies and groups of people cancelled their parties and donated the funds to the victims instead. We knew spending a lot of money for the NEONINETY8 party we planned for was very impractical…and insensitive. 

And so, we opted for a grand gift-giving activity and just a simple Thanksgiving Celebration with the teachers. Thus, renaming the activity “Light Up a Life”. When we presented this plan to the administration of PNU, they couldn’t agree more. It was exactly what the school wanted to embody – an attitude of helpfulness. 

I am tempted to write down all the criticisms we received because of this decision. But, I will skip that. Instead, let me paraphrase what Winston Churchill said; if you have enemies, it means that you have stood up for something in your life. We were glad to have stood up for a cause that was beyond us. 

The gift-giving was fulfilling. Other batches came to join us, too. Some brought gift packs, tubs of ice cream and even hygiene kits. It was a joy to see the kids (and the adults, too) have fun and enjoy the food. They all received gifts wrapped in Christmas paper. To many of them, that was the only gift they would ever receive that Christmas. 

I am posting the photos below to share with you the joy that we had experienced. Had we pushed through with the party, the only thing we would have gained would be a bad hangover. But this, it has doubled our joy knowing we have made an imprint in the lives of these kids. Hopefully, they will cherish the memory they had on that day and when an opportunity like this comes to them where they would be on the giving end, they would share their joy too. 

Acts 20:35 "In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”

Our Class. PNULHS Class of 1998. (Some were absent though)

Enjoying good food. Spaghetti, sandwich, and hotdogs!

Paul, my classmate scooping the ice cream for the kids.

The smiles that made our day!

These are bosses in their companies. But here, they were tasked to hang the balloons. haaaa!

GAME TIME!

A mother and Child. Happy!

Representatives from other batches who helped us. Thanks guys!

I drink juice like a boss! hahaha!

Even the mothers enjoyed the bounty!

The smiles after receiving their gifts.

No bad day that ice cream can not cure. :)

Future Chess Champion!

Us with two of our High school Teachers.

Fely Grace and I leading the singing

EVERYBODY!!!!

With our teachers during the Thanksgiving Lunch

Photo Credits: Eugene Lacuesta, my favorite photographer (who happens to be my clasmate too )