"I could live life alone
And never fill the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone's arms
And I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live without many things
And I could carry on..." --- Avalon
This is how my life song starts. I embraced it as I entered the last decade. I was at a place of uncertainty, but with an overarching excitement at what God was going to do in my life. I had just committed my life to full-time ministry, specifically to be a cross-cultural missionary, and while the future was unsure, I was confident that it was what God was telling me to do.
Fast forward to the end of the decade, it was not exactly what I thought life would be for me. God, the Grandweaver of my life, had a different design in mind. I thought a recap was in order. However, once I started writing these 'events' in my life one by one, they seemed to be separate from the other. At times, the things God made me do were completely at other ends of the pendulum. So I decided, maybe I would just write about where I am at now as we enter a new decade in my journey.
2020
Here I am, in the cool of the evening, just a little past midnight, typing this post with ink stains on my fingers from writing case digests with cheap fountain pens. Sprawling on my bed are books, notes and more pens. I study in the evenings.
During the day, I cross a bridge to the place where I sit on a desk, respond to emails, queries, print documents, answer the phone and basically do the rigodon of a secretary. On special days, I am the registrar. I call myself the #EverydayMamumugon.
On weekends I pack my bags and head back to my hometown beside the sea, lounge in my mother's living room, get coffee, go to church, and blink. And then, it is Monday again.
But, I don't ever remember telling myself "Hay, Monday na naman!". And you will see why.
The way I describe it, it seems like my life is pretty uninteresting --- a contrast to what I had imagined it to be in 2010. But truth is, for countless times, I have caught myself at a loss for words at how God had tweaked my story.
I have been to places I have never imagined I could be in. I haven't set foot in West Africa yet, but...but..this decade, we will never know.
I have been on stages and pulpits I feel so unworthy of. I sometimes laugh at how God takes me from a classroom of seven sleepy students to a hall of a thousand (or even more) young people packed with adrenaline. Whether it be the classroom or the auditorium, I see lives hungry for God.
I have been to hills of victory and valleys of pain. I tried fighting wounded. It only revealed to me that God's character never changes. For every win - a milestone. For every pain - a growth point.
I have been to committee meetings and coffee breaks where I met people who, I would have never met had I not allowed God to let me be like water in his plans --- flowing to where He cuts a path. The coffee chats are more enjoyable. Memorable, even.
I have been to classrooms and bar rooms. They're all the same --- filled with drunk men, intoxicated by intellect, who throw statements that don't make sense. But, the teachers and the bar tenders -- they... they can spin good in every tragedy.
I have been to chaos where demands grab you by the hand. But, in the midst of those were springs of joy where God invited me to freely drink.
I have been to a place called Love. One that gives selflessly for the sake of another. One that is not held captive by feelings but liberated by truth. Truth most times is hard to swallow. But, that is how you know you have been to a place called Love. I have been to one.
I have been to a place called Surrender. And it did not feel comforting. But oh the taste of liberty, refreshing to the soul!
I tried writing the things God has been surprising me with. Each of them outdoes the other. I mean, does God ever run out of ideas? My stomach is churning with excitement at the possibilities of the outrageous things I ask the Lord to do. This decade will definitely outdo the last.
In all my wanting and believing for the big things God will do, my heart still quietly sings to me the part of my lifesong that says
"I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without your hope in my heart I know
I can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without You" ---Avalon
If all the things I hope for will vanish in the wind, Jesus is enough for me. Here's to another decade of trusting God for a beautiful story.
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| January 4, 2020 (I should do a post on why January 4 is significant to me through the years. hehehe! ) |
