Helpless

I wonder what it is with September that I always get the urge to write. Like a buzzer, or a vibrating alert, I often find myself checking my blogs in September and panic at the fact that for the months that went by, I have been silent.

I have not been truly silent, of course. I have rekindled my love for journalling. Not like it really went away. My entries have been frequent. I felt that my thoughts are safer there and free of any judgement. 

An opportunity to speak to the community at CPU came to me again, giving me an avenue to declare the encompassing love of God to all. Last month was quite eventful. I anticipate the coming month to be even more eventful with the semestral examinations in Law school, weddings to attend and the ending of another semester here in the Bible College. While the weight of what is to come seems already heavy to think about, I rest in the promise that God will help me overcome. I have to rest, lest I cower. 

On a more personal note, the past couple of months have been quite interesting. I went through (and I think I still am in ) a season of undoing. I met a few people that put me in a very uncomfortable situation. The good kind of uncomfortable, that is. 

While I would like to reserve the details to myself, this is what I am willing to share: In the many years that I am a Christian, there have been milestones where I mark a certain growth point. Usually, it was via a heartbreaking situation. However, this one was not. I was just caught off guard, like God grabbed me by the hand and said "We need to talk!" One night, I found myself crying before the Lord because he impressed upon my heart that I have not been trusting Him about many things in my life --- especially the matters which are important to me. 

I felt I was being un-clothed. I was very vulnerable. I felt naked before God. And I saw how, all these years, I have been grinding on my own... as if I can handle things naturally. I realized I held tightly to my pride, that I do not intentionally ask the Lord for the things I desire because I do not like the feeling of wanting somethign or someone so much. I have life a linear life when it comes to asking God. My thought pattern was this: I want 'this', If God wants it for me, he will give it. If not, I will not bother. 

But how in the world do I experience the Joy of Asking and actually receiving? I have not. Because I asked not. Asking, like begging, is a sign that one is in lack of something. I never liked the thought of asking, much less begging. 

And that is how I found out my faith was problematic. Because I wanted something/someone and under the 'normal' circumstances I operate in, there is no way, NO WAY, I will ever experience the joy of having that desire satisfied. And upon realizing my complete helplessness, I turned to God.

However, it was not the 'wanting' that churned my spirit. It was the discomfort that I do not truly know God and therefore have not truly trusted Him with even the little details of my life. It was devastating to watch everything 'i have built' in my spiritual life deconstruct, like chaff, they disappeared. I had nothing to hold on to. No spiritual life to be proud of. 

And at the point of surrender, I crumbled. 

Oh what relief it is to be rid of yourself, be broken down and wait... wait for the Master to pick you up, piece by piece, to be put together in the way He had always had in mind about you.