Bleed Thankfulness (not to the Universe)

"There is nothing to writing. You just sit in front of a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway

Yes. I used to just sit in front of a computer and bleed. Words flowed like water seeking its own level. They came out of my head through my hands like restless birds waiting to be freed. Sometimes, they were shy, like a young love dreading to be found out but also dying to be known. These days though, they seem like treasure hidden deep down that takes too much trouble to unearth. 

I  also read somewhere that writing is like surfing, you wait for the perfect wave and then ride it. I feel a wave coming along today. So, while my laundry dries out on the clothesline, I will write. 

It was thanksgiving in America the other night. Here in the Philippines, it is a church celebration brought to us by the American missionaries who pioneered the Christian churches. While thanksgiving is supposed to be a lifestyle, it is helpful that we have a holiday to actually think of the things we are thankful for. Because, truth is, when we are wallowing either in wealth or worry, gratefulness is the first virtue that goes down the drain. 

With that in mind, I will try to make a short list of what I am thankful for this year. (Hey, the year is ENDING! Where did 2018 go? ) 

1. Thankful for Health. Truly, health is wealth. I know I am not in tip-top shape but I am thankful for the way God has engineered our bodies to heal themselves. I do have health issues. I battled with one the beginning of this year. Most nights my joints and my allergies conspire to make me remember the future of this body – rotten. But, I have always believed in the Proverbs written in the Bible which said, “A merry heart doeth good like medicine” because “the heart is the wellspring of life”. I have not perfected the art of having a ‘merry heart’. But I am trusting God to transform my heart to be always cheerful. 

2. Thankful for Growth. Spiritually, Mentally and Emotionally. I wish I could boast of a prolific spiritual life. What I can only claim is that I am step-by-step working towards growing. It is not a race but a journey towards maturity. Being in the ministry does not help me grow. It even poses a challenge because complacency is the real enemy that I fight with everyday. 

God led me to further my education and that is one of the things I have always been thankful for this year. if you read my previous post, it talked about how I finally embarked on this new journey. For a person living on a-little-above-minimum wage, in a third world country, enrolling in Law school would require a miracle. And that is exactly what is happening to me. Plus, the bulk of studying I have to do while at the same time working, requires a lot of ‘imploring the aid of the almighty God”. 

There are days when my emotions are out of whack. Thank God I can blame it on hormones. Seriously, I am seeing some growth in the way I handle my feelings toward a person or a circumstance. I still have to work on completely eradicating my flawed emotional budget and just love unlovable people completely the way Jesus did. 

3. Thankful for Genuine Relationships. Being with people are the hardest challenge that God had to let me handle. Not because I don’t like them but because loving people require a lot of energy. And I am on the lazy side. There is no such thing as a relationship hack. You have to go through the long and hard process of maintaining relationships. Family is one feat. Friendships are another. Nevertheless, I close my eyes at night knowing I am loved and accepted by those who truly love me and for that I am thankful. 

Let me get this straight. I am not thankful to the universe for letting everything fall into place. I am thankful to the Lord of the Universe, He who created it in an instant by merely speaking it into existence. He holds the entirety of human existence, making sure the heavenly bodies don’t collide – tough job! Yet, at my slightest discomfort, when I have a bruised ego, or I needed my printer to not act up at a crucial time, or that when I needed ice cream on a very very bad day… he slips into my world* to calmly reassure me – he’s got me in the palm of his hands. I am thankful mostly for God’s love. 

Today, my life is not perfectly put into place as I wanted it to be. I still have bruises here and there from the battles I face on a daily basis. I struggle to be compassionate, forgiving and loving. I struggle to be grateful for what I have been given and for the things that are withheld from me. But it turns out, Ernest Hemingway is right. You just sit in front of a typewriter and bleed.

Today, I bleed thankfulness. 

*now, don’t go debating me on the Theological correctness of the phrase ‘slips into my world’ Lol!

Walking on Water (#TheLAWngRoad)

For  Peter to go to where Jesus was, he had to get out of the boat and literally step on the water. He had to stand ON the water to be able to walk on it.*

I have studied and preached on this story of Peter several times already. Each time, a new understanding of faith is unfolded and a deeper knowledge of God is gained.

Stepping out in faith is one of my favourite topics. But not until last year did I realize that I just tested it in calculated proportions. And so, I took a leap out of the boat.

Last year, I was convinced by my friend to take Law classes. This idea had been hovering me for quite sometime already, about eight years in counting. What was stopping me was my financial incapacity, my ministry and my feeling of inadequacy when it comes to the academic demands of the course.

So I brewed the idea in prayer for a year.

I have also known that things don’t just ‘fall into place’. For the Israelites to be able to live in the promised land, they had to keep moving in obedience until they get to the place God prepared for them.

My leap of faith started when I registered to take the PhilSat. It is the national Law School admission exam. From there, God confirmed that this was the way to go when He helped me pass the exam.

Tuition fees are another story. I get a decent salary as a staff of the Bible School but it is clearly not sufficient to send me to school. So, for the past year that I was praying about it, I starting calculating how much I would save each month to set aside for the tuition fees. I also mentally noted down the areas of my spending that I need to cut down, including food, so I can come up with the amount needed to pay for my education.

I took another exam in the university and an interview with the dean before I was accepted in the School of Law. There was no doubt this was God’s plan for me this season of my life. I am entering my seventh year in the ministry and somehow I already mastered, to a certain degree, the routines of the ‘job’. My position as college registrar and our challenges in implementing the Disciplinary sanctions most times need an understanding of the laws of the land. I took this leap, far from my comfort zone, because I have the convinction that God is leading me through this path, in this season. 

On the first day of class, I was floored by how God IS God! I found out that I was granted a scholarship that will cover 75% of my tuition fee. I did not apply for it. I did not even know there was a scholarship grant for Law students. It turned out I ranked 2nd of all the applicants and they give grants to the top 3 of Law school applicants. I cried happy tears. 

I borrowed books. My work schedule is lighter that it was years ago. Another friend was used by God for more provisions. My family helped me set up my living arrangements. One after the other, God confirms that he wants me to walk on this water with Him. 

I happened to talk to different people on separate occasions sharing with me their dreams and plans. I smiled at them and, with more conviction than ever, told them "Step out in faith". 

Yes, calculations and preparations must be made. But, it is that act of faith of taking the first step toward a legitimate dream,  goal,  plan that will introduce you to another chapter of God's grace. 

Peter stepped out of the boat, took a few wobbly steps on the water, sank at the sight of wind and was lifted out of it by the hands of the Master crafter of waves and winds. We will have our own stories of 'walking in faith'. But, none of us will ever feel like what it is to step on water like glass. 

When Jesus calls you to walk with Him on the water, step out of the boat. Yours will be quite a story. 

I'm still tiptoeing. Nevertheless, I am already on the water. 

*Matthew 14:22-33

New Year Emote-icons

My FIRST bathroom selfie (i think) because, why not?!!! Have a  Blessed Year ahead! - Jabez

"2018, please be good to me". Such pleadings are pasted on thousands of Facebook walls the moment the clock struck 12 on January first. They should have made a specific emoticon for New Year Apprehensions.

I have always loved the idea of celebrating the New Year. It is a significant period when we are stopped on our tracks to look back and look forward. Somehow, whether we like it or not, the turning of the year gives us a momentary halt.  To some, it is a chance to evaluate what went wrong, what worked out right. To most, it is a time to draw the line between what was then and what will be. But to many, it is a chance to do things over, better. A reset.

However, life does not always get solved by a reset. Most times, it needs a lot of undoing, untangling and most painfully, deconstructing.

And this the part where the New Year makes me uncomfortable. When the fireworks have turned to ashes, and the feasting have been replaced by acid reflux, you sit in one corner, confronted by the realities that make you uneasy. 

How do you manage your way around work, laundry and a social life without getting broke?

How do you speak your mind, your ideas, your convictions and not have second thoughts about being hated?

How do you submit to your superiors and stand your ground?

How do you hold fast to the laws you keep and let grace trickle from your grip?

How do you start to pursue a goal you have long believed was too high for your reach?

How do you begin to plan for retirement when you are only a few years away from it?

How do you sustain the momentum for things you have started when your body tells you to slow down?
How do you inspire others when you are wrestling with your own idealism?
How do you draw the line between "waiting" and "working on it"?

These and a thousand other questions. Oh, I hate how acid reflux impales me sometimes!

And then, you run through your IG Best Nine and experience a pocket of sunshine. For a moment, you smile at the thought of these nine photos you immortalized in this intangible wall called social media. 2017 was not that bad.

You picked up a healthy habit. Lost 20 lbs and your appetite for Unli-rice.

You met new people and wonder where they have been hiding all these years.

You ventured to learning new skills and polishing the old ones and felt fulfilled.
You have failed at some attempts but your spirit keeps going.

You mastered the art of rest. And saying no.

You have finally come to terms with your weaknesses and let yourself be soaked in God’s grace to overcome them.
You keep noticing how your well of joy never dries up despite seasons of drought.

You have tested the limits of your love…and found yourself unbreakable. Malleable.
You love, yet again, though bent.

Just nine out of the hundreds of moments of joy, of hope, of faith.

It is easy to be distracted by questions and weakened by our fears. There are 365 days ahead of us, not one of which is certain and that is overwhelmingly scary. But, through the years I have learned the art of restedness ---- an act of actively resting in God, His promises and His sovereignty.

The New Year is not necessarily a reset. It is a time to recalibrate our hearts, retool our minds and resume with the original plan God has already set for us. Not without adjustments.

Paul instructs in Ephesians 4:22-24  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. This exercise of “Putting off” and “Putting on” is tiresome, challenging and definitely not easy. But only when we are no longer entangled in the pursuits of our flesh will we be able to experience the true joy of a life lived in freedom through Christ.

Our weaknesses will only magnify. Our questions will continue to haunt us. Our challenges will continue to mount (laundry, included!). But when we are standing behind the One who has ‘overcome the world’, we can walk into 2018 smiling. There's already and emoticon for that!