Helpless

I wonder what it is with September that I always get the urge to write. Like a buzzer, or a vibrating alert, I often find myself checking my blogs in September and panic at the fact that for the months that went by, I have been silent.

I have not been truly silent, of course. I have rekindled my love for journalling. Not like it really went away. My entries have been frequent. I felt that my thoughts are safer there and free of any judgement. 

An opportunity to speak to the community at CPU came to me again, giving me an avenue to declare the encompassing love of God to all. Last month was quite eventful. I anticipate the coming month to be even more eventful with the semestral examinations in Law school, weddings to attend and the ending of another semester here in the Bible College. While the weight of what is to come seems already heavy to think about, I rest in the promise that God will help me overcome. I have to rest, lest I cower. 

On a more personal note, the past couple of months have been quite interesting. I went through (and I think I still am in ) a season of undoing. I met a few people that put me in a very uncomfortable situation. The good kind of uncomfortable, that is. 

While I would like to reserve the details to myself, this is what I am willing to share: In the many years that I am a Christian, there have been milestones where I mark a certain growth point. Usually, it was via a heartbreaking situation. However, this one was not. I was just caught off guard, like God grabbed me by the hand and said "We need to talk!" One night, I found myself crying before the Lord because he impressed upon my heart that I have not been trusting Him about many things in my life --- especially the matters which are important to me. 

I felt I was being un-clothed. I was very vulnerable. I felt naked before God. And I saw how, all these years, I have been grinding on my own... as if I can handle things naturally. I realized I held tightly to my pride, that I do not intentionally ask the Lord for the things I desire because I do not like the feeling of wanting somethign or someone so much. I have life a linear life when it comes to asking God. My thought pattern was this: I want 'this', If God wants it for me, he will give it. If not, I will not bother. 

But how in the world do I experience the Joy of Asking and actually receiving? I have not. Because I asked not. Asking, like begging, is a sign that one is in lack of something. I never liked the thought of asking, much less begging. 

And that is how I found out my faith was problematic. Because I wanted something/someone and under the 'normal' circumstances I operate in, there is no way, NO WAY, I will ever experience the joy of having that desire satisfied. And upon realizing my complete helplessness, I turned to God.

However, it was not the 'wanting' that churned my spirit. It was the discomfort that I do not truly know God and therefore have not truly trusted Him with even the little details of my life. It was devastating to watch everything 'i have built' in my spiritual life deconstruct, like chaff, they disappeared. I had nothing to hold on to. No spiritual life to be proud of. 

And at the point of surrender, I crumbled. 

Oh what relief it is to be rid of yourself, be broken down and wait... wait for the Master to pick you up, piece by piece, to be put together in the way He had always had in mind about you. 

Scroll Down (The Fight is Not Between Us)

One of my Facebook friends posted that he voted for the controversial politician who won a seat in the Senate. To that he added the virtue of being united in 'faith', in effect, telling whoever gets to read it, "My religion is powerful." Educated. Professional. Religious.

I scrolled down.

Many times when I read the rants on Facebook or Twitter of friends who suffer through the heavy traffic on their daily commute, I shake my head. I live in the campus where I work, in a city where everything is 10 minutes away - 40, when it is the holidays. I could only imagine how they feel.

I scroll down.

Today, on Twitter, a tax reform 'advocate' reacted when I made a comment that "Tag dise-syete na ang sardinas." He/she asked why I was more worried about the the price of sardines when I should be "tired about the low productivity due to traffic, hindered creative jobs because of lack of infrastructures". He/she suggested I should just cooperate and support the government's #BuildBuildBuild. Have I not been compelled to do so, thus, the 17-peso sardines?

I said a line or two. I scrolled down.

Someone posted online "It's just politics." Saying to the effect that we should not let it ruin our relationships. I agree on letting love rule in our relationships. But I definitely disagree that "It is just Politics." Our politics is a reflection of what we value, what we believe in, and what we want for the future of our children. I started writing it down as a comment to that post. However, it was my mother who posted it, and lest I be misjudged by online spectators as a rebellious, disrespectful child for not agreeing with my mother, I desisted.

I scrolled down.

We are judged by what we put online. That's the risk we take when we post our thoughts, or a photo,  a meme, or an article. And the person's reaction to it would largely be affected by the way he perceives you. If he likes you, he understands your sarcasm. If he doesn't, he would think your are mocking...and Christians shouldn't mock. Yes, we are fond of pulling-out the "What-Kind-Of-Christian-Does-That" card on people. It is even worse for pastors.

When a girl is raped or murdered, you would read the rage from people. But the angriest ones are the mothers of daughters. Understandably so because she could not imagine what kind of hell she would go through if that happens to her own.

When a fragment of the society suffers a calamity ,or an oppression, people start online revolutions. Rightly so because they need the voice to cry out so the spotlight's be turned on them. For help, for retribution, for the realization that they are a 'fragment that makes the world whole'.

When corruption is blatant in the government we rally our cries on the streets... but more often now, in the world wide web --- the new highway. We let them know we are watching.

No, we don't scroll down. We say our piece. We string our words so they can be deadly enough like a sword. Sometimes wielding them in all directions, hoping for a hit no matter how wide the battle ground. Most times we miss the target. And we end end up wounding a co-worker, a friend, a drinking buddy, a relative...or ourselves.

But we type away with blood on our hands  because we are convinced that we are fighting a worthy cause.

A mother painstakingly goes through the rigors of raising a daughter who will become a teacher, or a son who will someday be an  doctor, and she will not let any pervert steal that away. She makes that known on Facebook.

A conscientious public school teacher, who shows up every morning in a room full of empty minds waiting to be poured upon with hope... but  emptier stomachs with lesser hope of getting filled. He would not allow any selfish politician in the guise of public service to steal away their dreams. He retweets a link on that investigation update.

A promising leader who has climbed from poverty to get an education, uses his education to lift others out of it. He will not allow ignorance to dictate his destiny.. and that of others. He campaigns online.

An advocate for children lives the life of a vagabond. Peddling the cause of the children to whoever will have the courage to make them a priority - a celebrity, a  philanthropist, a diplomat...anyone, and anywhere. She would not allow the children to be victims by the systems their parents have voted for. She massively campaigns on social media.

They are not on the streets. They are in their kitchen, in their desks, in the courtrooms, aboard a plane, doing what they do best --- fighting for someone.And so, when you read what they write online, it is not merely a rant. It is a spillage of frustrations that they could have just walked over, but refused to. Slippery floors are more dangerous.

They write at the risk of being misconstrued because those who can't be heard --- the fisherman who stays all night casting his net, the street-sweeper who  wakes up before dawn, the farmer who bends his back all day --- they too, have children who are swelling up with dreams. We have no right to shut them down and say "stop posting, do something".

If someone's transcribed thoughts are not a threat to the life you choose to live, be kind. His weapon is not aimed at you. Let him fight the battles he picked for himself. Remember, you are not his enemy.

Scroll down.

Even if he unintentionally scrapes your ego.

Scroll down.

You are not the enemy.

Scroll down.

Restful

I did not know I have an ounce of bravery hidden in the corners of my heart until I faced my exams this year with little to no time to study. Turns out, studying while working is only for the brave. But God has been so gracious to me. He sustained me through this year, surprising me many times.

I got to know myself more this year. In the face of pressure, my flaws were magnified. I watched Suits for the first time last night and laughed at the line "Push until it hurts". When buttons were pushed, I ached in many places this year. Notwithstanding, I am now more peaceful, rested and accepting of the process God is bringing me through. 

I anticipated a restful summer with visions of lounging by the beach... or my bed. Alas, reality has been different for me. May is here tomorrow and there is nothing  more to describe the month that went by than productively eventful. So far from what I had imagine. Yet, at the conclusion of this month, I thank the Lord that he ushered me through opportunities to be a good steward of the talents and time he entrusted me. 

Here's me sharing with you my summer. 

Registrar Duties During the Graduation

Was invited to speak at Filamer Christian University again

Was given the opportunity to speak to Young Leaders of JCI

Visited the Gospel Teams

Storyteller during the VBS at Calatrava

Directed the Testimonial Dinner Concert of MFBC's 50th Anniv

Bleed Thankfulness (not to the Universe)

"There is nothing to writing. You just sit in front of a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway

Yes. I used to just sit in front of a computer and bleed. Words flowed like water seeking its own level. They came out of my head through my hands like restless birds waiting to be freed. Sometimes, they were shy, like a young love dreading to be found out but also dying to be known. These days though, they seem like treasure hidden deep down that takes too much trouble to unearth. 

I  also read somewhere that writing is like surfing, you wait for the perfect wave and then ride it. I feel a wave coming along today. So, while my laundry dries out on the clothesline, I will write. 

It was thanksgiving in America the other night. Here in the Philippines, it is a church celebration brought to us by the American missionaries who pioneered the Christian churches. While thanksgiving is supposed to be a lifestyle, it is helpful that we have a holiday to actually think of the things we are thankful for. Because, truth is, when we are wallowing either in wealth or worry, gratefulness is the first virtue that goes down the drain. 

With that in mind, I will try to make a short list of what I am thankful for this year. (Hey, the year is ENDING! Where did 2018 go? ) 

1. Thankful for Health. Truly, health is wealth. I know I am not in tip-top shape but I am thankful for the way God has engineered our bodies to heal themselves. I do have health issues. I battled with one the beginning of this year. Most nights my joints and my allergies conspire to make me remember the future of this body – rotten. But, I have always believed in the Proverbs written in the Bible which said, “A merry heart doeth good like medicine” because “the heart is the wellspring of life”. I have not perfected the art of having a ‘merry heart’. But I am trusting God to transform my heart to be always cheerful. 

2. Thankful for Growth. Spiritually, Mentally and Emotionally. I wish I could boast of a prolific spiritual life. What I can only claim is that I am step-by-step working towards growing. It is not a race but a journey towards maturity. Being in the ministry does not help me grow. It even poses a challenge because complacency is the real enemy that I fight with everyday. 

God led me to further my education and that is one of the things I have always been thankful for this year. if you read my previous post, it talked about how I finally embarked on this new journey. For a person living on a-little-above-minimum wage, in a third world country, enrolling in Law school would require a miracle. And that is exactly what is happening to me. Plus, the bulk of studying I have to do while at the same time working, requires a lot of ‘imploring the aid of the almighty God”. 

There are days when my emotions are out of whack. Thank God I can blame it on hormones. Seriously, I am seeing some growth in the way I handle my feelings toward a person or a circumstance. I still have to work on completely eradicating my flawed emotional budget and just love unlovable people completely the way Jesus did. 

3. Thankful for Genuine Relationships. Being with people are the hardest challenge that God had to let me handle. Not because I don’t like them but because loving people require a lot of energy. And I am on the lazy side. There is no such thing as a relationship hack. You have to go through the long and hard process of maintaining relationships. Family is one feat. Friendships are another. Nevertheless, I close my eyes at night knowing I am loved and accepted by those who truly love me and for that I am thankful. 

Let me get this straight. I am not thankful to the universe for letting everything fall into place. I am thankful to the Lord of the Universe, He who created it in an instant by merely speaking it into existence. He holds the entirety of human existence, making sure the heavenly bodies don’t collide – tough job! Yet, at my slightest discomfort, when I have a bruised ego, or I needed my printer to not act up at a crucial time, or that when I needed ice cream on a very very bad day… he slips into my world* to calmly reassure me – he’s got me in the palm of his hands. I am thankful mostly for God’s love. 

Today, my life is not perfectly put into place as I wanted it to be. I still have bruises here and there from the battles I face on a daily basis. I struggle to be compassionate, forgiving and loving. I struggle to be grateful for what I have been given and for the things that are withheld from me. But it turns out, Ernest Hemingway is right. You just sit in front of a typewriter and bleed.

Today, I bleed thankfulness. 

*now, don’t go debating me on the Theological correctness of the phrase ‘slips into my world’ Lol!

Walking on Water (#TheLAWngRoad)

For  Peter to go to where Jesus was, he had to get out of the boat and literally step on the water. He had to stand ON the water to be able to walk on it.*

I have studied and preached on this story of Peter several times already. Each time, a new understanding of faith is unfolded and a deeper knowledge of God is gained.

Stepping out in faith is one of my favourite topics. But not until last year did I realize that I just tested it in calculated proportions. And so, I took a leap out of the boat.

Last year, I was convinced by my friend to take Law classes. This idea had been hovering me for quite sometime already, about eight years in counting. What was stopping me was my financial incapacity, my ministry and my feeling of inadequacy when it comes to the academic demands of the course.

So I brewed the idea in prayer for a year.

I have also known that things don’t just ‘fall into place’. For the Israelites to be able to live in the promised land, they had to keep moving in obedience until they get to the place God prepared for them.

My leap of faith started when I registered to take the PhilSat. It is the national Law School admission exam. From there, God confirmed that this was the way to go when He helped me pass the exam.

Tuition fees are another story. I get a decent salary as a staff of the Bible School but it is clearly not sufficient to send me to school. So, for the past year that I was praying about it, I starting calculating how much I would save each month to set aside for the tuition fees. I also mentally noted down the areas of my spending that I need to cut down, including food, so I can come up with the amount needed to pay for my education.

I took another exam in the university and an interview with the dean before I was accepted in the School of Law. There was no doubt this was God’s plan for me this season of my life. I am entering my seventh year in the ministry and somehow I already mastered, to a certain degree, the routines of the ‘job’. My position as college registrar and our challenges in implementing the Disciplinary sanctions most times need an understanding of the laws of the land. I took this leap, far from my comfort zone, because I have the convinction that God is leading me through this path, in this season. 

On the first day of class, I was floored by how God IS God! I found out that I was granted a scholarship that will cover 75% of my tuition fee. I did not apply for it. I did not even know there was a scholarship grant for Law students. It turned out I ranked 2nd of all the applicants and they give grants to the top 3 of Law school applicants. I cried happy tears. 

I borrowed books. My work schedule is lighter that it was years ago. Another friend was used by God for more provisions. My family helped me set up my living arrangements. One after the other, God confirms that he wants me to walk on this water with Him. 

I happened to talk to different people on separate occasions sharing with me their dreams and plans. I smiled at them and, with more conviction than ever, told them "Step out in faith". 

Yes, calculations and preparations must be made. But, it is that act of faith of taking the first step toward a legitimate dream,  goal,  plan that will introduce you to another chapter of God's grace. 

Peter stepped out of the boat, took a few wobbly steps on the water, sank at the sight of wind and was lifted out of it by the hands of the Master crafter of waves and winds. We will have our own stories of 'walking in faith'. But, none of us will ever feel like what it is to step on water like glass. 

When Jesus calls you to walk with Him on the water, step out of the boat. Yours will be quite a story. 

I'm still tiptoeing. Nevertheless, I am already on the water. 

*Matthew 14:22-33

New Year Emote-icons

My FIRST bathroom selfie (i think) because, why not?!!! Have a  Blessed Year ahead! - Jabez

"2018, please be good to me". Such pleadings are pasted on thousands of Facebook walls the moment the clock struck 12 on January first. They should have made a specific emoticon for New Year Apprehensions.

I have always loved the idea of celebrating the New Year. It is a significant period when we are stopped on our tracks to look back and look forward. Somehow, whether we like it or not, the turning of the year gives us a momentary halt.  To some, it is a chance to evaluate what went wrong, what worked out right. To most, it is a time to draw the line between what was then and what will be. But to many, it is a chance to do things over, better. A reset.

However, life does not always get solved by a reset. Most times, it needs a lot of undoing, untangling and most painfully, deconstructing.

And this the part where the New Year makes me uncomfortable. When the fireworks have turned to ashes, and the feasting have been replaced by acid reflux, you sit in one corner, confronted by the realities that make you uneasy. 

How do you manage your way around work, laundry and a social life without getting broke?

How do you speak your mind, your ideas, your convictions and not have second thoughts about being hated?

How do you submit to your superiors and stand your ground?

How do you hold fast to the laws you keep and let grace trickle from your grip?

How do you start to pursue a goal you have long believed was too high for your reach?

How do you begin to plan for retirement when you are only a few years away from it?

How do you sustain the momentum for things you have started when your body tells you to slow down?
How do you inspire others when you are wrestling with your own idealism?
How do you draw the line between "waiting" and "working on it"?

These and a thousand other questions. Oh, I hate how acid reflux impales me sometimes!

And then, you run through your IG Best Nine and experience a pocket of sunshine. For a moment, you smile at the thought of these nine photos you immortalized in this intangible wall called social media. 2017 was not that bad.

You picked up a healthy habit. Lost 20 lbs and your appetite for Unli-rice.

You met new people and wonder where they have been hiding all these years.

You ventured to learning new skills and polishing the old ones and felt fulfilled.
You have failed at some attempts but your spirit keeps going.

You mastered the art of rest. And saying no.

You have finally come to terms with your weaknesses and let yourself be soaked in God’s grace to overcome them.
You keep noticing how your well of joy never dries up despite seasons of drought.

You have tested the limits of your love…and found yourself unbreakable. Malleable.
You love, yet again, though bent.

Just nine out of the hundreds of moments of joy, of hope, of faith.

It is easy to be distracted by questions and weakened by our fears. There are 365 days ahead of us, not one of which is certain and that is overwhelmingly scary. But, through the years I have learned the art of restedness ---- an act of actively resting in God, His promises and His sovereignty.

The New Year is not necessarily a reset. It is a time to recalibrate our hearts, retool our minds and resume with the original plan God has already set for us. Not without adjustments.

Paul instructs in Ephesians 4:22-24  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. This exercise of “Putting off” and “Putting on” is tiresome, challenging and definitely not easy. But only when we are no longer entangled in the pursuits of our flesh will we be able to experience the true joy of a life lived in freedom through Christ.

Our weaknesses will only magnify. Our questions will continue to haunt us. Our challenges will continue to mount (laundry, included!). But when we are standing behind the One who has ‘overcome the world’, we can walk into 2018 smiling. There's already and emoticon for that!

A Little Light

We do not undermine the value of a little light when the night is at its darkest. 

And at a time like this in my life, I trace my way back to that little light that kept me alive ten years ago when my heart was broken. Sometimes, you can smell heartbreaks from afar. Other times, they make themselves felt like a mini-earthquake underneath, not damaging but definitely alarming. But most times, they come unexpected. And unwanted. 

And so did mine. 

My convictions and peace crumbled before me like a wafer in a child’s hand. I am out of strength and slowly losing words. They say when you have a problem, all you need to do is to go out and stand under the night sky and you’d realize how small your problems are compared to the vastness of space and how few compared to the multitude of stars. I tried. But I could not even gather the strength to open my eyes. 

So this piece is my attempt to crawl out of this heartbreak. Eyes still closed, heart still bruised. Even with my troubled vision I can see a flicker of light at the end. I am not so sure except that it looks like the same light that lead me out of darkness ten years ago. Light in all forms look the same. And so I hope that this one too would lead me home. One more time.

Light, no matter how little is still light and darkness still gives way to it.

John 1: 4-5 " In him was life,and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."